The Order Of The Phoenix Presents: The Nutcracker
by Keira-House M.D
Summary: In honour of Christmas, the Order Of The Phoenix and their friends star in the Nutcracker, with amusing results. HG/SB


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, it is the property of the brilliant J.K Rowling. This story is the product of her marvellous characters and world and my imagination.

**Story Title: **The Order Of The Phoenix Presents: The Nutcracker

**Author: **Keira-House M.D.

**Pairing: **Hermione/Sirius

**Main Characters: **Hermione Granger, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Lupin, Teddy Lupin, Luna Lovegood, Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, Ginny, Ron, Fred, George, Bill, Charlie, Percy, Molly & Arthur Weasley, Members of the DA, Astoria Greengrass, Daphne Greengrass, Kingsley Shacklebolt Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall

**Summary: **In honour of Christmas, the Order Of The Phoenix and their friends star in the Nutcracker.

**Important Information: **The is a sort of parody, a Harry Potter twist on the Nutcracker. If you want the basic storyline then type The Nutcracker into wikipedia and look at the synopsis. I will pretty much follow act one, but there will be some added scenes before act two to make it more action packed. Italics in the story denote comments from the characters of Harry Potter, who aren't always happy at their assigned roles or what I'm making them do (like sticking some of them in tutus), along with replies of the author (me).

* * *

_The Order Of The Phoenix Present: The Nutcracker_

_The Heroine - _Hermione Granger

_The Nutcracker - _Sirius Black

_The Heroine's Brother - _Teddy Lupin

_The Heroine's Godfather - _Severus Snape

_The Heroine's Parents - _Remus Lupin & Nymphadora Lupin

_Sugar Plum Fairy - _Luna Lovegood

_Prince Koklyush - _Blaise Zabini

_Mouse (well actually Ferret)-King: _Draco Malfoy

_Dolls From the Heroine's Godfather: Harlequin, Columbine, Vivandière & Soldier - _Fred Weasley, Katie Bell, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter

_Ensemble: _Fred Weasley, George Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Nymphadora Lupin, Remus Lupin, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Bill Weasley, Charlie Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Angelina Johnson, Katie Bell, Alicia Spinnet, Lee Jordan, Colin Creevey, Dennis Creevey, Susan Bones, Dean Thomas, Daphne Greengrass, Astoria Greengrass, Percy Weasley, Molly Weasley, Arthur Weasley, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall & Kingsley Shacklebolt

* * *

It was Christmas Eve at Grimmauld Place and the Order of the Phoenix were celebrating the first Christmas free of Voldemort. Hermione was dancing gaily with her friends, looking rather splendid in a deep red gown and with hair that was actually tamed for once.

_Excuse me, but my hair isn't that bad, and its been much better recently, ever since Ginny showed my those hair-care potions._

Ok then, Hermione was dancing gaily with hair that she had recently learned to tame.

_Not an apology, but it'll do._

Her parents, Remus and Nymphadora 'Call Me Dora Or Nothing At All' Lupin, were at the door greeting guests, though the former had to keep the latter from hexing anyone who dared refer to her by her first name. It wasn't particularly becoming behaviour of a hostess, but everyone was used to it and they all really wanted to come to the party - Molly Weasley was cooking the food.

Hermione's little brother Teddy was running from one pile of presents to the next, his inherited metamorphmagus ability meaning his hair flashed from blue to brown to red and so on as he became more excited. Hermione laughed and picked him up gently, tickling his tummy until he squealed in laughter and then passing him over to her father.

She ran to help her mother as she tripped over a chair - Dora Lupin had never been graceful - and ordered her to stay seated for a while, worried that something might get broken before the party even had a chance to get started.

Guests trickled in during the next half an hour; Harry, the rest of the Weasleys, Luna, Blaise, Neville, Kingsley, Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall and some of the old members of the DA, along with (surprisingly) Daphne and Astoria Greengrass, who had come over to the light side a few months before the Final Battle.

Sirius still hadn't turned up, but they all assumed that he was with another conquest, and no one was sure whether Severus would come or not. Dumbledore and Minerva had double-teamed him and extracted a promise, but Severus was a Slytherin after all and rather unpredictable.

Ron was rather annoyed by the fact that Severus was coming, despite all he had done for the war, and was rather inclined to be a little judgemental.

_You can say that again, don't know why we invited any sneaky Slytherins._

Of course, such prejudice didn't stop him from trying to chat Daphne up … needless to say he didn't get very far.

For an hour the room was filled with laughter and music as the Weasley twins swung Angelina and Katie, their dance partners, in circles, Hermione managed a decent waltz with Kingsley and Harry blushingly tried not to step on Ginny's toes.

_And failed miserably may I add, I love that boy but my feet are killing me. Why can't I dance with someone who's had lessons?_

About an hour after the party had begun, the sound of Mrs Black's shrieking was heard over the music, signalling that someone had arrived. They were all surprised when Severus Snape appeared in the doorway, though Dumbledore couldn't help the smug look on his wrinkled face.

Severus was, of course, dressed in black and looking as imposing as ever, but he managed something resembling a smile for Hermione, whom he had taken on as an apprentice and treated like a favoured godchild, and Minerva, for whom he had always had respect.

_You've made me into a godfather … and I'm act a Christmas party with Potter and his dunderhead friends, are you insane?No, but if you don't behave then I'll stick you in a tutu and you can be in the dance of the Sugar Plum fairy._

Remus and Dora, as hosts, should rightly have greeted him, but considering the bad blood between him and Remus, and the fear Dora still held for the man, Dumbledore and Minerva headed over instead, with Hermione practically dancing over to join them.

She spoke with him for a while, mostly about the Potions projects they would be working on after Christmas, but sometimes slipping into other topics. When Sirius or Remus came up, though mostly the former, she found herself having to defend them from Severus' caustic remarks and asking if they could not just get on, or at least stop arguing. It was futile, but she tried.

Soon it came time for presents and everyone gathered eagerly around the huge Christmas tree, chattering with excitement about what they hoped to get. Hermione was still worried about where Sirius was …

_Why would I be worried, he's probably just out with one of his floozies._

… because even though he had a habit of being a little irresponsible, he would never miss Christmas with his godson and friends, especially when there were presents to be had.

_Should give the mutt a dog collar, or maybe even do the whole wizarding world a favour and neuter him._

Hermione watched as Snape revealed his present for them all as four life-size dolls; a Harlequin, Columbine, Vivandière and Soldier, which looked remarkably like Fred, Katie, Ginny and Harry respectively. Hermione was a little confused at the totally un-Snape gift, but she thought they were charming, especially as they danced in pairs that matched real life.

Harry and Ginny were delighted as they waltzed next to their doll counterparts, while Fred seemed to be whirling a dizzy Katie round in an attempt to outdo the Harlequin and Columbine.

After about ten minutes Snape finished the charm on the dolls and put them in one of the spare rooms ready to be used another day. He turned to Hermione with a look that was much too happy for her liking - she was instantly suspicious.

When he pulled a small wooden nutcracker out of his pocket and handed it to her, she was just befuddled, until she realised the strong resemblance the nutcracker had to one Sirius Black. Turning to Snape, she exploded in a mix of rage, but also amusement.

_Oh, come on, you have to admit that transfiguring Sirius into a nutcracker was funny, even if it was a bit mean. _

"SEVERUS SNAPE! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU TRANSFIGURED SIRIUS INTO A NUTCRACKER … DON'T LAUGH, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY BUT ITS HORRIBLY CRUEL. HOW LONG IS THE STUPID SPELL GOING TO LAST."

Snape looked slightly chastised, but shrugged at Hermione's question, "a few hours, don't worry, Black will be back to his normal - uncharming - self by tomorrow morning at the latest."

He couldn't quite hide his smile and stepped away from Hermione so she wouldn't start shouting at him, only to get caught by Minerva McGonagall, who wasn't pleased at the example a Professor of Hogwarts was setting. Fred, George and Kingsley were in the corner laughing at Snape's misfortune, though they went quiet when they saw the look he directed towards them.

Hermione looked down at the nutcracker with a smile, after all a silent and wooden Sirius was rather funny. Unfortunately, she was called away by her parents to talk to some of their guests, and left Nutcracker Sirius on a table.

As Hermione talked enthusiastically with Kingsley Shacklebolt and her parents about the changes in the Ministry since Voldemort's defeat, little Teddy found the Nutcracker Sirius on the table and took it away to play.

He knew what such a thing was meant to do, and he had great fun getting a bowl of nuts and having the nutcracker crack them, clapping excitedly at every crack. However, when he put a huge walnut in the Nutcracker's mouth things didn't go quite as planned and the wooden jaw was broken.

Teddy looked at the damaged toy and burst into noisy tears that Hermione heard and came to investigate.

_No, my jaw can't be broken, that's just cruel; it'll ruin my looks._

_You aren't supposed to be able to talk right now you know, you are made of wood._

Her eyes widened as she took in her teary brother and the broken Nutcracker and she scooped both of them up in her arms, soothing Teddy gently and then passing him over to their mother, before turning her attention to the Nutcracker.

She gasped when she saw his jaw was broken and scooped the wooden Sirius into her hands gently, "dear Teddy, he is adorable but he can be so careless. Don't worry Sirius, you can sleep in the doll's bed for tonight and when Severus comes tomorrow - he's left you see, probably doesn't want another lecture from Minerva - I'll make him fix you up, or if you turn back earlier then I'll fix your jaw myself."

Hermione did find it a little funny that Sirius, even in wooden Nutcracker form, would be spending the night in a frilly pink doll's bed, but there was no where else particularly safe for him and she didn't want him to meet with more accidents, it would just make him grumpy when he changed back.

Bandaging his head and kissing the tiny wooden forehead gently, Hermione laid Sirius the Nutcracker in the doll's bed and headed up to her bedroom, to dream of the wonders and excitement Christmas Day would surely bring.

* * *

Hermione awoke from her sleep just before midnight, feeling the craving for a warm mug of hot chocolate to help her get back to sleep. Her father made the best hot chocolate; he was such a chocoholic that he had a lot of practice, but she didn't want to wake him over something so trifling so she went down to the kitchen to do the best she could on her own.

_That's nice, you've made me desperate for some of Remus' hot chocolate, and we don't bloody have any because he went and used the last of it._

_Excuse me, but it was near the full moon and you know what I'm like then Hermione._

_Yep, Moony has PMS - pre-moon syndrome._

_Shut it Padfoot._

On the way to the kitchen she passed the ballroom, where they had celebrated earlier, and decided she would go and check on her precious Nutcracker before getting her hot chocolate.

_That is such a lie, I would not chose Nutcracker Sirius over hot chocolate, I don't even think I'd choose real Sirius over it either._

_You wound me Mione, I am so sad._

She moved quietly over to the doll's bed and looked at the Nutcracker Sirius with a soft expression. She was just about to pick him up and check on him more closely when the clock struck midnight and she felt an explosion of magic around her … the Christmas tree and other furniture appeared to be growing to great heights, until she realised she was shrinking.

_That isn't that impressive, a shrinking charm is fairly basic, though I'll admit it's a fair bit harder to perform on living beings._

As Hermione found herself shrinking, she was rather worried, but not quite as disconcerted as someone would be if they hadn't been exposed to magic before. Still, she wasn't quite sure why she was being shrunk, though she reflected that everything did look so very different when one was the size of a tin solider.

Looking towards the now-huge doll's bed, she saw that Nutcracker Sirius was alive, had climbed out of the bed and hopped down beside her. He shot her a roguish grin that had no place on a wooden doll and she noticed belatedly that he was now only an inch taller than her.

Suddenly ferrets began to fill the room, and Hermione was too shocked to speak, especially once Nutcracker Sirius stepped forward, wooden sword in the air, and an army of gingerbread and tin soldiers.

_Ferrets; what the heck are you on about, isn't it supposed to be an army of mice._

_Its my story and I'll do as I like, anyway Draco is much more ferret than mouse._

The ferrets were doing a pretty good job in defeating the gingerbread soldiers by just eating them, but they were having a bit of trouble with the tin soldiers, who injured them if they tried to bite into them.

Nutcracker Sirius pointed Hermione towards the Christmas tree before he ran to join the battle, and she turned to see a makeshift medical tent staffed by the female dolls they'd all received for Christmas.

_Are you kidding, I'm being relegated to nurse. I've fought in a war you know, I've kicked ass all over Britain and you are putting me in the medical tent. What sort of sexist pig are you?_

_I am a girl you know, and I'm all for strong female characters, but in the story you don't take part so be good and go stand with the dolls - you'll get your moment eventually, if you're patient._

So Hermione went to assist the medical tent, though reluctantly, and Nutcracker Sirius went to do battle with the Ferret King, whose pointy chin and blond fur reminded him of someone, though he couldn't recall exactly who.

Hermione assisted with the wounded, though there wasn't much to be done but fetch icing to stick the gingerbread soldiers together, and glue for the tin soldiers.

While there was a break in jobs, Hermione slipped out of the tent to watch the battle, and was horrified to see that Nutcracker Sirius was wounded and that the Ferret King was advancing on him, a menacing expression on his pointed face.

Worried for the nutcracker, Hermione pulled off her slipper and threw it at the Ferret-King to distract him.

_My slipper, what use is that? Why can't I hex him, or just punch him like I did in third year - that was fun._

Hermione of course had the presence of mind to transfigure her soft slipper into a rather vicious looking high heel before she threw it.

_So I do have my wand, and my magic, so why can't I just hex him - though I'll admit the heel is a pretty good idea._

_Because that would ruin the story and make it boring._

_You do realise you can't pick and choose when you want magic in the story._

_Its my adaptation, I'll do as I like, now throw your damn shoe._

So Hermione, with a slight scowl on her face, threw her transfigured slipper at the Ferret King with as much strength as she could muster (which was a lot, because she really didn't like him a lot of the time, despite him fighting on the light side in the end). Unfortunately, Hermione had never had been particularly good at sports; while her spells and hexes never seemed to miss, she couldn't really aim to save her life and the shoe only glanced off the side of the Ferret King's head, giving him a bit of a headache but failing to do too much damage.

Fortunately, it gave Nutcracker Sirius enough time to recover his strength and regroup with his remaining troops to think of a better strategy for defeating the admittedly talented Ferret King.

Unfortunately, they momentarily forgot about Hermione, who was now faced with a rather displeased Ferret King, not to mention his minions.

So while the Nutcracker and his soldiers were busy, the Ferrets were advancing on a rather nervous Hermione, resulting in their surrounding her.

_So where were you at this time Sirius? Not content with getting yourself turned into a nutcracker by Severus, you had to let me get captured by Ferret Face and his little friends. I want my wand damn it!_

_Mione darling, I'm so sorry, my Nutcracker form is obviously an oblivious idiot, please forgive me._

_No Sirius, oblivious and idiot are two words I would use to describe you normally, what you are now is unfit for words._

Despite Hermione's best efforts - which were quite certainly excellent - she was overwhelmed by Ferrets, tied up and taken away while Nutcracker Sirius was still debating strategy with his soldiers.

_You're making me out as some incompetent idiot, anyway I'm a man of action, not plans._

At the last minute, Nutcracker Sirius spotted the abduction and led his soldiers in attack against the ferrets, managing to subdue a decent amount before the remaining group dragged Hermione away, the injured Ferret King following, after glaring back at his enemies.

Hermione, for her part, was not going quietly, screaming, shouting and kicking as she was pulled through a hole into the wall and through a series of tunnels she could barely believe existed in her home.

Sirius was already planning her rescue, after all every damsel in distress loves a knight in shining leather.

_Ha, that's what you think; as soon as he gets his useless ass in to rescue me I'm going to kick it to China for letting me get caught in the first place._

_

* * *

_

Meanwhile, in The Ferret-King's Manor, his minions debated fiercely over which of their two cages they should put Hermione in; the one made of metal or the one built from candy canes. It should have really been their King making the decision, but since he was injured from the fight, and couldn't stand to be in the same room as Hermione and her insults, they had to do it themselves.

In the end it was decided to place her in the latter - everyone knew that when it came to the Ferret-King, Hermione's words were acid and everyone knows what acid does to metal. On the other hand, her parents had been dentists at some point, and she still had so much of their teachings engraved in her mind that she wouldn't dare try to eat through so much sugary candy cane, even to escape.

_You're making me out to sound ridiculously pathetic._

Hermione didn't know how she'd get out, especially with the magic dampening spells on her small prison. She could only hope that someone would rescue her; the nutcracker and his friends knew where she was.

_Oi, I am no damsel in distress; I helped Harry defeat Voldemort and I do not need to be rescued. _

Hermione wasn't particularly pleased with her captivity …

_Got that right._

… but she trusted her friends to come and help her escape from the evil Ferret-King.

_Ha, like I need their help … if you'd actually let me use my magic then I could blast my way out and beat the stupid ferret to a pulp - who ever heard of a candy cane cage enforced with magic, I think you're going mental._

She remained alone in her cell while the Ferrets went to their King to celebrate the capture of their prisoner and their new plan to defeat Nutcracker Sirius and his soldiers - by using Hermione as bait.

Hermione was both disconcerted by the silence and pleased not to have to be around the ferrets, who weren't exactly capable of the intelligent conversation she preferred.

Of course, she tested the strength of her bars, finding that despite being made of candy, they were rather solid. The ferrets had unfortunately been correct in their assessment that she wouldn't want to eat her way out, but even if she did, it would likely break her teeth.

Still, she certainly didn't sit still, kicking the bars of the cage constantly and screaming out profanities (Hermione tended to get a little tetchy when she was helpless).

_I am not bloody helpless, I am just temporarily stuck._

About an hour after she had been captured, give or take a few minutes, she heard shouts from above, thundering steps and screams.

_So I've finally arrived, great now everything gets so much better._

Bolstered by the fact that rescuers had obviously arrived, and also knowing that there was so much fuss upstairs that no one would hear, Hermione made even more noise in her attempt to escape.

With her rational mind beginning to return, Hermione got a little more creative with her attempts, trying to destroy the weakest points of the cage first. After a few minutes hard effort she started to succeed, with the cage weakening, though not falling.

By the time Nutcracker Sirius and a few of his tin soldiers made it down to the dungeons, Hermione had almost succeeded in getting herself free.

_See, I don't need some pompous prick to save me, I am an independent witch._

Nutcracker Sirius looked a little disappointed that all he had to do was give the cage one or two good kicks to get Hermione free, and that she didn't immediately gush all over him, but he soon found he had to get over it when the Ferret King and a couple of his minions appeared.

Hermione immediately descended on one of the ferret minions, and despite having no weapons she inflicted plenty of damage by kicking and punching every available inch of the creature, using up all the rage she'd built while captured.

Sirius, meanwhile, was taunting the Ferret King, feinting left and right while his opponent got angrier and angrier. At one point, Hermione swore she heard him squeak something about 'my father' but she couldn't be sure she hadn't imagined it.

Everything was over very quickly when Sirius spotted the open metal cage, which had been discarded in favour of the one made of candy canes, and had a brilliant idea.

_Well that's a first._

_Shut up Mione, I'll have you know I have plenty of good ideas._

_Only in your dreams Sirius, only in your dreams. _

Giving the Ferret King an almighty push, Nutcracker Sirius shoved him into the open cage and swung the door shut quickly, locking him inside.

Hermione graced him with a smile and he held his hand out. Hermione regarded him for a moment before rolling her eyes and taking it, letting him lead her up the steps and out of the Ferret King's castle.

* * *

With the Ferret King defeated and stuck in his own cage, his minions decided a strategic retreat was in order …

_More like they ran away because they're cowardly._

and Nutcracker Sirius suddenly transformed into the very handsome Prince Sirius.

_Why thank you, I agree that I am rather good looking._

_Great, now you've given him an even bigger ego._

_I'm just telling the truth, that isn't a crime._

Sirius lead Hermione through the moonlit night to a pine forest in which the snowflakes danced around them. Hermione laughed as she caught some of the flakes on her hand, admiring the intricate patterns before they melted away. Sirius smiled at her delight as he took her hand and brought her to a river. They travelled in a nutshell boat pulled by dolphins to the beautiful Land of Sweets in Confiturembourg …

_What a long name, how do you pronounce it; Con-fit-ur-em-burg … I think I'll just call it Cavity City_

… which was ruled by the Sugar Plum Fairy in the Prince's place until his return. Suspiciously, the Sugar Plum Fairy and her husband Prince Koklyush looked surprisingly like Luna Lovegood and Blaise Zabini, two of Hermione's friends, but she soon put it out of her mind as she looked around at the palace in awe.

Prince Sirius recounted how Hermione had caused a distraction for him to heal, and how she had been captured because of it, for the Sugar Plum Fairy. Her reply had been to nod wisely, "yes, the Blithering Humdingers are in season right now and they tend to make people braver."

Hermione's eyes had widened but she had nodded a little uncertainly, Sirius had grinned and Prince Koklyush had just smiled indulgently.

_Why does my name have to be Koklyush; Hermione doesn't have to be called Clara, Teddy isn't Fritz and thankfully you had the good sense not to call Snape Drosselmeyer - why do I still get the stupid name?_

_Because we know who they are, if we call you Prince Blaise then its obvious who you are._

_I still don't like it, it makes me sound ridiculous_

_Oh stop whining, Luna still loves you, no matter what stupid name we're calling you by. _

In honour of the young heroine, a celebration of sweets and dancers from around the world was announced by the Sugar Plum Fairy, and they all sat on the four thrones in the ballroom to watch the performance.

The dancers came out and Hermione realised that they all resembled members of the Order and their friends, but by now she was so used to the weirdness that this strange land incited that she just went with the flow and enjoyed the show.

Remus danced as chocolate from Spain …

_Such the perfect part for our resident chocoholic werewolf_

… and Kingsley, with his dark skin and strong personality, as coffee from Arabia.

Ginny, Susan, Colin, Dean, Lee and Dennis were dressed in bright striped outfits to represent candy canes, performing an intricate hoop dance.

Angelina, Katie and Alicia were dressed up as Danish Marzipan Sheperdesses, performing on flutes, while Daphne and Astoria were flowers performing a waltz with their partners, Bill and Charlie.

Finally there came a large group, consisting of Fred, George, Harry, Ron, Neville, Molly, Arthur, Percy and Dora who danced around in no particular pattern. Dora only tripped twice and everyone was much amused to watch as Percy was forced to pirouette in a bright pink tutu.

_Excuse me, but I would like to know why I have to wear such a ridiculous outfit, it is unfitting for someone of my calibre._

_You're wearing it because you're a pompous prick and you abandoned your family and I just don't like you._

Hermione was one if the most delighted to see the unfortunate garb that Percy had been forced into, for she valued loyalty greatly and Percy's abandonment of his family at a crucial moment had not sat well with her at all, opening her eyes to flaws he could no longer hide.

To conclude the night, the Sugar Plum Fairy and Prince Koklyush performed for them all, and Hermione looked on in amazement at how graceful both of them were.

_I always loved to dance, ever since I heard stories about the nymphs, its so much fun._

_Yes, and us purebloods learn to dance properly practically before we can walk, I've had so many years of dance lessons that I could do most of the steps in my sleep._

She was initially reluctant when the Sugar Plum Fairy invited her and Sirius to perform the final waltz, but the power of Sirius' puppy-dog pout was something she had never been able to resist and she agreed.

_Oh yeah, my pout is legendary, even McGonagall can't stand up against it and that's saying something._

When the dance was over, Hermione and Prince Sirius were crowned rulers of Confiturembourg forever and shown the riches of their kingdom, domed with an enormous beehive. Despite Hermione's initial aversion to sweets (dentist parents can be surprisingly influential) they both lived happily ever after in a land with all their friends and family around them.

_Despite the fact that there would probably never be any chocolate because Moony would hog it all._

The End

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**Please review or write constructive criticism, its very appreciated. I hope you enjoyed the story.**


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